|Brook S. Lauer||
My body feels heavy. I don't know why...it's just heavy. Maybe it's my boots? I mean I don't feel tired, or depressed at all...I just find it difficult to move my body these past few days. What is happening!?! It's so weird! like someone filled the bottom half of my legs and my hands with concrete.
I just want to have fun!!
Most of the guys I talk to assume that when I ask if they want to go do something it means "I want to hang out with you and hopefully you will eventually fall in love with me and be my daughters new daddy." What is this!! I want to just have some guy friends! Why do you all get so weird on me!?! Even if I wanted to date...DATE not marry, that doesn't necessarily mean I want something serious! Just because I am a single mom does not mean I have some desire to wed! I like being single but I also like to have FUN!! and some of you guys out there seem like a ton of fun! so lighten the hell up and relax...let's see some bands, eat really tasty food or drink some good beer! It's all in good FUN!
disappointed in myself
disappointed in someone else
i hate being made a fool by
my myself or someone else
you'd think i'd learn by now
how to spot them slinking in
to take advantage of my good will
to use me to play revenge
or so it seems
that this it be
for i have been
in this spot before
so i am the fool
due no one but
I am not perfect. I have many physical flaws. I have many spiritual, emotional and all around human natured flaws, but I am only human. To ask of me to be perfect is like seeking truth! One can look for truth or perfection but only to fall short for it is in ones own interpretation of what that is. I seek humble honesty and sincerity. I care not for the "things" you can give or not I want the connection and the truest you that you can give. that is all I can offer so why should I expect anything more? I love myself and can only ask for you to love me like as much as I love myself.
being content means not needing more; satisfied.
I was taking a walk on this gorgeous morning and noticed the light breeze take up a tiny feather, whirling, swirling through the air for a moment then gently set it down. at that instance I felt like that feather...taking a deep breath, closing my eyes, listening to the gentle sounds of birds and leave rustled by that cool breeze I felt on my skin....I was content.
happiness is all around you if you allow yourself to notice.
I used to think that I had to transplant myself somewhere... ANYWHERE, but here, in this town I grew up, in order to be happy. it is only recently that I realized that it does not matter where i plant myself. I will grow wherever I am planted. that I am content in knowing who I know, exploring nooks and crannies in the place I thought I knew to well, discovering that there is way more to this place than I ever knew and enjoying my time while I am planted here.
well...i have discovered exactly what emotional blockage i am trying to overcome and the fact that i already have a large pice reflecting this idea means that it shouldn't be to difficult for me to bang a painting out just in time for the show.
you might have seen the large piece on my home page...Imperfect Perfections...yes that is what my "hang-up" is. the thing is, i find myself to be abrasive and edgy a lot of the time and don't believe that anyone, once they really get to know me...all of me...my good and bad (who can be a truly ugly person) that they will run for the hills. i would. which is a huge hang up for me to come to terms with. i don't even know if i could stand the same faults in someone else. this is why finding someone who make you want to be a better person, yet still falls in love with all of those imperfections is so difficult for a lot of people.
so...for "Chocolate, Hang-Ups & the Blues" i dedicate my imperfections in hope that someone finds them perfect.
so...i've been included in a show about hang-ups...my hang up at the moment is my creative block. how do i create that which is the very subject?
well, this is what i do...i write.
list of my hang-ups -
the act of creating art
relationships with everyone in my life from me and my daughter, mother, father, brother, friends here and those who have left this world. this one is loaded and should drive me to my studio, but instead it paralyzes me.
(i am sure i could list at least ten more, but for the sake of getting a point across i will end it here)
the act of creating art and making interesting things scares me. i need to work small enough to make mistakes. i have made large mistakes and it is costly...i guess i shouldn't even consider that but i do.
MEN what else can i say? they make me crazy! sometimes to the point of wanting to give them up entirely but that brings us to the next item on the list...sex...this is where the men and relationship thing screw with me. i cannot separate men and sex, but not sure if i want a relationship beyond that. big hurdle! keeping it separate from my life as a mommy isn't too difficult...it just needs to be understood that it is what it is...with the fella of course. the kid hasn't a clue.
relationships...they all come with sooooo much luggage. which might be why i keep men around for one thing. emotionally shallow relationships, no real common interest with them so that i don't get into the messy stuff and get attached...or not get attached. the real relationships...with friends i have and the ones i have lost are filled with emotion that when they are gone, the heartache is sometimes to much to bare. i love them though and wouldn't have it anyother way. to bring a man in that close again is scary...it's been almost 13 years...definitely getting close to someone is a huge hang-up. especially when it involves that person getting close to the kid as well.
how do i paint all of this?
i suppose i need to just start and see where it goes...
I had the opportunity today to visit a couple of artists studios who will be hanging at the Lynden Gallery where I now work. The two had at one point shared a studio in Harrisburg. They have shown together since and are joining forces yet again coming this October.
As part of my job, I am to help come up with a name for the show. After speaking with the artists and learning about what drives their creativity I have come up with a concept, but the words are not fitting just yet. I thought a blog about the visit might spawn some ideas.
SO...Maaike's work is about the cosmos, space, the universe and can be described as minimalist to put it in simplest terms though it is far more complex at second glance as many minimalist work tends to be. Layers of paint and color...muted palettes with flashes of vibrant hues pushing forward as if emerging from this very deep atmospheric space created. A vibration occurs within the color field spaces invoking an energy unto itself.
Mary's work has a much more of this world feel. As if you were to zoom in on one of Maaike's slashes of vivid color and were to find this world. A microcosm amongst this vast plain. Her botanicals and fantastic landscapes so detailed and full with color. She has this ribbon series amongst her collection that translates as another plane creating another layer of depth. There are moments of reveal within a smokey atmosphere where her images seem to pull you in with an overwhelming desire to be embraced by the world within.
There is a balance and harmony between the two seemingly different approaches.
Reuniting a Harmonious Atmosphere: Time and Space Connections
“The saddest people I've ever met in life are the ones who don't care deeply about anything at all. Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there's nothing to make it last.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Dear John
To achieve what you are passionate about takes courage, perseverance and fight. Fight for what you want most out of life. If you have a dream you should give it your all to make it come true. Don't throw in the towel at the first sight of difficulty. It is those challenges that makes it all worth while. If dreams were easy to come by everyone would be doing exactly what it is they want most out of life and more people would be happy with their lives.
Some may think me foolish for pursuing my dreams because the money isn't coming easily. I know I have basic needs that must be fulfilled, yet they are just barely being met. At the same time, my little world would feel incomplete and therefore my happiness is sacrificed. If my happiness is sacrificed my families happiness is as well. The more miserable I am in my job the less I want to pursue that which makes me ME. I struggle with this every day. Feeling as if I am not doing what is best for my family on a monetary level, but we do manage. I might not be able to take crazy, awesome vacations or go to amusement parks every weekend. I don't know if those things are necessary really. I like a simpler kind of life that doesn't require a lot of stimulation. We explore our neighborhood, catch crayfish and dig for worms. I think knowing where you live and having those memories stay with you longer and are cherished more than anything. Those are the stories to be told. With all of that, I still feel insecure about the future both the near and the distant.
To make happen what I want takes money and not making enough money to try and save any to get to that point is a huge problem. So...what is it that needs to happen?
What is the consolation you have when you can't have love? some believe it is sex. Perhaps it is food? Maybe just being completely comfortable being alone is consolation enough?
I think the human species needs companionship to feel satisfied and alive...to make their life have meaning. Children can fulfill this need to a certain degree but there is still this feeling that something is missing.
We might make up lists about what we want in that companion. We might even go as far as to plan everything in our lives out around that individual and that being the last part of the puzzle where it seems as though it almost isn't as important who you build the life with just that someone is willing to be there even if the passion isn't there and it becomes very hard work to keep it going.
For me, I know what I want for the most part. Things that I would like to see happen by way of life standards. Not really happening for me the way I was hoping. That's okay...for now. What is happening now is supposed to be happening for me. There are certain things in life that are important to me. Making sure my tiny family is happy and safe. That we are getting over the bumps with little to no bruises.
Yet there is still this compelling desire to share my adult life and my adult views with someone who understands. To have someone who truly gets me and still likes me after knowing even my worst traits/stories is most important. All of that is on some emotional level that I don't think I will ever really understand.
My physical and material needs and wants are very much less complicated. With the physical comes the emotional balance. If someone gets me and wants all of me, good and bad, but not my way of wishing to live then there must be compromise, but how much of those dreams to give up?
Sometimes I feel like the elephant...this is how it will al