well...i have discovered exactly what emotional blockage i am trying to overcome and the fact that i already have a large pice reflecting this idea means that it shouldn't be to difficult for me to bang a painting out just in time for the show.
you might have seen the large piece on my home page...Imperfect Perfections...yes that is what my "hang-up" is. the thing is, i find myself to be abrasive and edgy a lot of the time and don't believe that anyone, once they really get to know me...all of me...my good and bad (who can be a truly ugly person) that they will run for the hills. i would. which is a huge hang up for me to come to terms with. i don't even know if i could stand the same faults in someone else. this is why finding someone who make you want to be a better person, yet still falls in love with all of those imperfections is so difficult for a lot of people.
so...for "Chocolate, Hang-Ups & the Blues" i dedicate my imperfections in hope that someone finds them perfect.
so...i've been included in a show about hang-ups...my hang up at the moment is my creative block. how do i create that which is the very subject?
well, this is what i do...i write.
list of my hang-ups -
the act of creating art
relationships with everyone in my life from me and my daughter, mother, father, brother, friends here and those who have left this world. this one is loaded and should drive me to my studio, but instead it paralyzes me.
(i am sure i could list at least ten more, but for the sake of getting a point across i will end it here)
the act of creating art and making interesting things scares me. i need to work small enough to make mistakes. i have made large mistakes and it is costly...i guess i shouldn't even consider that but i do.
MEN what else can i say? they make me crazy! sometimes to the point of wanting to give them up entirely but that brings us to the next item on the list...sex...this is where the men and relationship thing screw with me. i cannot separate men and sex, but not sure if i want a relationship beyond that. big hurdle! keeping it separate from my life as a mommy isn't too difficult...it just needs to be understood that it is what it is...with the fella of course. the kid hasn't a clue.
relationships...they all come with sooooo much luggage. which might be why i keep men around for one thing. emotionally shallow relationships, no real common interest with them so that i don't get into the messy stuff and get attached...or not get attached. the real relationships...with friends i have and the ones i have lost are filled with emotion that when they are gone, the heartache is sometimes to much to bare. i love them though and wouldn't have it anyother way. to bring a man in that close again is scary...it's been almost 13 years...definitely getting close to someone is a huge hang-up. especially when it involves that person getting close to the kid as well.
how do i paint all of this?
i suppose i need to just start and see where it goes...
I had the opportunity today to visit a couple of artists studios who will be hanging at the Lynden Gallery where I now work. The two had at one point shared a studio in Harrisburg. They have shown together since and are joining forces yet again coming this October.
As part of my job, I am to help come up with a name for the show. After speaking with the artists and learning about what drives their creativity I have come up with a concept, but the words are not fitting just yet. I thought a blog about the visit might spawn some ideas.
SO...Maaike's work is about the cosmos, space, the universe and can be described as minimalist to put it in simplest terms though it is far more complex at second glance as many minimalist work tends to be. Layers of paint and color...muted palettes with flashes of vibrant hues pushing forward as if emerging from this very deep atmospheric space created. A vibration occurs within the color field spaces invoking an energy unto itself.
Mary's work has a much more of this world feel. As if you were to zoom in on one of Maaike's slashes of vivid color and were to find this world. A microcosm amongst this vast plain. Her botanicals and fantastic landscapes so detailed and full with color. She has this ribbon series amongst her collection that translates as another plane creating another layer of depth. There are moments of reveal within a smokey atmosphere where her images seem to pull you in with an overwhelming desire to be embraced by the world within.
There is a balance and harmony between the two seemingly different approaches.
Reuniting a Harmonious Atmosphere: Time and Space Connections
Maaike Heitkonig "Atmospheric Expanse 1" 36" x 48"
Mary Hochendoner "Beyond" 39" x 44"
“The saddest people I've ever met in life are the ones who don't care deeply about anything at all. Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there's nothing to make it last.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Dear John
To achieve what you are passionate about takes courage, perseverance and fight. Fight for what you want most out of life. If you have a dream you should give it your all to make it come true. Don't throw in the towel at the first sight of difficulty. It is those challenges that makes it all worth while. If dreams were easy to come by everyone would be doing exactly what it is they want most out of life and more people would be happy with their lives.
Some may think me foolish for pursuing my dreams because the money isn't coming easily. I know I have basic needs that must be fulfilled, yet they are just barely being met. At the same time, my little world would feel incomplete and therefore my happiness is sacrificed. If my happiness is sacrificed my families happiness is as well. The more miserable I am in my job the less I want to pursue that which makes me ME. I struggle with this every day. Feeling as if I am not doing what is best for my family on a monetary level, but we do manage. I might not be able to take crazy, awesome vacations or go to amusement parks every weekend. I don't know if those things are necessary really. I like a simpler kind of life that doesn't require a lot of stimulation. We explore our neighborhood, catch crayfish and dig for worms. I think knowing where you live and having those memories stay with you longer and are cherished more than anything. Those are the stories to be told. With all of that, I still feel insecure about the future both the near and the distant.
To make happen what I want takes money and not making enough money to try and save any to get to that point is a huge problem. So...what is it that needs to happen?
still searching for something like in this photo in my life. not just that of course, but it would be great to find a romance so grand it sweeps me off my feet. so passionate that even the everyday is has a spark of excitement. to miss what he smells like when gone for a day or two. to make food that you know he would devour or to make it together...simple day to day stuff that i think many couples take for granted. maybe i am just a hopeless romantic...maybe an idealist who will never get what in her head she thinks love is or should be. not that i expect it to always be peachy. i would love to fight and bicker too...that makes making up all that much sweeter.
been reading much about friendship.
what makes a friend? why are friends so much something we seek out in life? how being friends makes for better lovers or a better marriage.
one quote "Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival" - C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
not sure if i believe that is isn't necessary for survival. i think that we need some kind of companionship in life to survive. i mean it isn't like food or drink, but like shelter. a friend is like a warm blanket on a chilly day or night or like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. a friend- gives us something to believe in. something to look forward to.
i miss my friends at times. even with all of the new social media and ways to stay "connected" i miss looking at their faces and watching body language so unique to each of them.
so my friends...i wish to hold a gathering with all of you as my guests. stay tuned for details as i work them out.
it will be a smashing good time ;)
Even though my new career change involves manning 2nd Friday exhibits I will continue holding my own event 2nd Sunday Studio. I might be tired and less talkative (seriously doubt that's possible for me ;) but I will be a gracious hostess and allow those willing to enter my studio free of charge.
Anyone who know's how to play a "light" instrument is welcome to contact me about playing some during these studio sessions. All I can say is that you can ask for tips...sorry...maybe a light lunch in exchange? (we'll talk)
I would also like to thank those who made purchases at my first ever 2nd Sunday Studio. It was you who truly made my event such a success (duh!). I am forever grateful! I hope that you get much enjoyment out of them as they will allow.
Please, check back to see what else is cookin'!! And trust me...there is more!!!