on quiet mornings while at my crossing guard post (yes...crossing guard...awesome pt job btw) i will scan the scene watching birds and wait for the kids as usual. the other day something struck me as odd. where in one brief moment nothing seemed real. as if i were standing in an impressionists painting looking around at the scene i happened to be painted in. it was oddly comforting. i wish that the moment could have lasted indefinitely.
as i sit down on the couch, release my boobs from boob jail, turn on, what is most likely my 6th viewing, of season 7 of The Gilmore Girls a profound thing occurred, which is common to happen while watching Gilmore Girls. i just normally don't have the memory good enough to remember and write about it. but here i am...remembering.
so...in s7e1 Lorelai breaks up with Luke and sleeps with Christopher and is describing why the break up to Suki in the kitchen at the inn. she tells Suki how Luke is driving a car and he has the doors locked and she is on the outside. he doesn't even have to open the door, just have the door unlocked but he doesn't even invite her in. she is hanging on to the bumper while he just drives along hitting potholes and bumps all the while she just holds on getting bruised and hurt...it hurts. so... she let go of the bumper.
this is always me! my series of relationships are almost always me holding on to someone's life that seems to like me and it feels real enough....there just isn't room for me to fully fit so I just hang on to the bumper allowing myself to get beat up (emotionally) and hurt. eventually i let go of the bumper but why do i continue making this a pattern? why!?!
to be continued....
Lorelai's Speech on the breakup
i know you're lost
i know you're life feels as if it is unraveling like it will never pull itself back together
i can't say that I fully understand but know that I have been down a similar road. it's a scary place to travel...dark and full of hate.
it's a place to run to when you need somewhere to hide
you don't need to hide
you don't need to hate
it won't be easy...trust has been ripped away, words have been said that can't be unspoken and bonds have been shattered...lives have been scarred.
the toughest part is to forgive yourself first because only then can the trust be gained, the wounds be healed and bonds be mended.
i beg and pray that you find that light that you learn to love yourself and find peace in the place you have traveled and let the healing begin
the peace resting in you will guide you back to those who love you and a new life full of hope because we have hope and love for you
with all my love
Brandi Carlile "The Eye"
i have decided to apply for college/university jobs ANYWHERE in the US.
i will most likely not find something around here. i don't know if i'd want to even if i could.
sick of the scene around here. people, in general, are super douchy. there really isn't all that much to do. the job market altogether sucks! i just feel depressed here.
not sure where i want to move. maybe Ithaca NY but...idk...i have been wanting to move there for quite sometime. i will search and see...
i debated writing about this subject...but figured what the hell. no one reads this blog anyway.
so here it is...
i was put in the "friend zone" by this guy i have such fun times with. this really stinks because i know he has a fun time as well...he said so....so what does this mean?
i really want to spend time with him. get to know him. we have great conversation. part of me feels like maybe i am pushing myself on him. i don't want to do that.
on a confusing note...we "hooked-up" a couple times. as we all know drinks and sex can further cloud what is really going on. i admittedly, did get a little weird and sent him stupid drunk texts after all that but who wouldn't! he is a beautiful man with an independent spirit which makes him irresistible!
after my stupid drunk texting trying to get him to come over to my place he said we shouldn't because he was into some chick he used to date and that we are still "buds". i of course told him how much i thought that sucked and that i was (am) stoked about him more than i should be in the following horrible drunk text. a few days later i apologized and we have since resumed our 3-4 day/week coffee visits.
we got together the other evening and like my post title, had a playful and fun time! it was truly the best 12+ hours I have had in an extremely long time. and the great thing about it was we didn't have sex. there were moments of true intamacy that i cannot describe. but at the end of the night we played some D&D, had a lot of fun, then went to sleep. i want more chances to have this kind of time again. the only other person i play like that with is my kid.
which brings up another snafoo...the kid...a place i allow guys to have an out. that place i give myself an out. i have been given the excuse "i cant be a dad right now" even from my kids own father. i have also used it to get out of a relationship i didn't want to be serious about. he knows my kid from hanging out and is super sweet with the kid. this sucks more for me! i really am a sucker for big surly dudes and when they connect with your kid or any kid for that matter. it is an instant rush of blood flow to all parts of the body. i guess it's a woman thing.
i do feel like if we play it cool and continue to be friendly things could be awesome...really awesome!
i suppose i just need to practice that patience thing people are always talking about.
I am not the smartest
I am not the prettiest
I am not the strongest
what I know and believe is that
I am smart
I am pretty
I am strong
My body feels heavy. I don't know why...it's just heavy. Maybe it's my boots? I mean I don't feel tired, or depressed at all...I just find it difficult to move my body these past few days. What is happening!?! It's so weird! like someone filled the bottom half of my legs and my hands with concrete.
I just want to have fun!!
Most of the guys I talk to assume that when I ask if they want to go do something it means "I want to hang out with you and hopefully you will eventually fall in love with me and be my daughters new daddy." What is this!! I want to just have some guy friends! Why do you all get so weird on me!?! Even if I wanted to date...DATE not marry, that doesn't necessarily mean I want something serious! Just because I am a single mom does not mean I have some desire to wed! I like being single but I also like to have FUN!! and some of you guys out there seem like a ton of fun! so lighten the hell up and relax...let's see some bands, eat really tasty food or drink some good beer! It's all in good FUN!
disappointed in myself
disappointed in someone else
i hate being made a fool by
my myself or someone else
you'd think i'd learn by now
how to spot them slinking in
to take advantage of my good will
to use me to play revenge
or so it seems
that this it be
for i have been
in this spot before
so i am the fool
due no one but
I am not perfect. I have many physical flaws. I have many spiritual, emotional and all around human natured flaws, but I am only human. To ask of me to be perfect is like seeking truth! One can look for truth or perfection but only to fall short for it is in ones own interpretation of what that is. I seek humble honesty and sincerity. I care not for the "things" you can give or not I want the connection and the truest you that you can give. that is all I can offer so why should I expect anything more? I love myself and can only ask for you to love me like as much as I love myself.